Two Little Girls, A Memoir of Adoption

I had a few minutes to kill the other day and stopped off at the library. Of course, I browsed the adoption section and found a memoir. When I started reading it, I just couldn't stop. Two Little Girls by Theresa Reid is described as beautiful, painful, raw, honest... I think you get the picture. Of course, I would like to know what adoption memoir is not all of those things. There is pain and there is beauty.

A few things jumped out at me though. Her adoption journey is quite a bit different than mine. After years of a fulfilled professional and personal life with no plans of having children, she suddenly realizes that she does indeed desire a child. Unfortunately she and her husband soon discover their infertility. So... they decide to adopt internationally. There are so many points in their story that just scream, "Selfish!!!!" But she readily acknowledges that reality. And there are so many moments of deep division between herself and her husband that scream out, "Abuse!!!!" She does not acknowledge that.

However, their journey bringing home one girl from Russia and then another little girl years later from Ukraine is literally "edge of your seat how can they possibly go through any more setbacks and continue" drama. Our adoption from Haiti has been LOOOOONNNNNGGGGG and there have been set backs. But because of the nature of Haitian adoptions (a lawyer acting on our behalf answerable to our orphanage and not us) versus the nature of Eastern European adoptions (adoptive parents have to be there to go through the court process and so are very aware of corruption, incompetence, apathy, hassles, etc.) I have been spared so much of the drama. I honestly don't know all of the "He said" "She said" garbage that goes on. I hear rumors but very little that is actually associated with our file. I know a long wait but I honestly don't know if I could have dealt with the roller coaster ride this family endured.

So as we wait in parquet... 10 LONG months and counting... I can at least be thankful I don't have to navigate the nightmare that Theresa Reid and so many others have. When our North American Can-Do attitude and work ethic fails and we are left totally helpless to the whims of a foreign system. I'm thankful for an ethical, reliable, hard working orphanage that is working hard to navigate the Haitian system on my behalf. I know that they are not cutting corners with my paper work or with the health and welfare of the children in their care.

A Forever Family

I finished this book a while ago and am just getting around to a brief reveiw. A Forever Family by John Houghton would have benefited from much tighter editing. The beginning was slow and the ending just kept going on and on. Yes, another horrific incident in their lives. I'm not trying to be snarky, but in order to maintian the reader's interest, a good storyteller needs to know when to leave out details that I'm sure were important in real life, but don't add anything to the book.

But onto the story. John and his wife, Marina , after a long history of infertility decide to pursue adoption. Incredibly they are paired with a sibling group of 3 with a history of abuse and neglect. For anybody who is remotely connected with adoption, you can see the train wreck ahead. This couple is woefully unprepared for the trauma these children have already experienced and the conflict their fragile family soon faces. Support just does not exist in any form and this family fights hard for help. John details their journey with excruciating honesty. At times, I just wanted to get off. I can't imagine the pain and the trauma that just never seemed to end.

Their story ends with hope. Their oldest son is living on his own and according to the author is a young man any parent would be proud of. However, they missed the last half of his teen years and don't really know how he turned his life around. Their other 2 children have continued to live with them and he is not sure they will ever be able to live independently. There have been long, difficult, and violent years together and looking back, John does not know how they have survived. But they have and they are forever.

Outsiders Within

When I first heard about Outsiders Within: Writing on Transracial Adoption, I was anxious to read the collection of essays by adult adoptees. I finally brought it home and my husband looked at the description and declared his intent to not read it. So I lectured him on the importance of reading all sides of the adoption experience. We have to know the bad as well as the good. In order to enjoy a postive family experience, we have to look at those who have walked this path and learn from their failures and successes.

Well, I'll agree with him that this particular book is not a "must read". The idea is excellent; our society cannot move forward until we examine the mistakes of the past and work to rectify them. However, most of these essays attempt too much. The authors get bogged down in generalized statements. Several times, I ended up skimming an essay because the author made blanket statements of "fact" that struck me as biased and without proof. I no longer had any desire to hear their "truth". It wasn't just that my beliefs were challenged, it was a complete assault on reasoning and logic.

There were a handful of essays out of the 30 that were powerful and challenging. The authors tended to stick to one aspect of transracial adoption, obviously the aspect that was most pertinent to their story. They relayed facts and statistics and anecdotes about their outside status that made me think and feel the power of their story. In those 5 essays I have some new food for thought; some previously held beliefs that I will rethink. But this is one adoption book that I will return to the library

The Maroons in Nova Scotia

One of my reading goals is to learn more about the Nova Scotian black community. I thought maroon was a color so I was interested to read The Maroons in Nova Scotia, by John N. Grant. This simply written history book claims to utilize historical record and modern research to give a full picture of the Maroons. I found the account flat and a bit one sided. The perspective shared is from the historical record of the British governing Nova Scotia and Jamaica during the late 1700's. Therefore, the Maroons are never given a voice and I ended the book not fully understanding the journey taken by this community of people. Were they angry, resigned, resourceful, joyful, accomodating, fighting? The reader would have to look between the lines and imagine the reaction of the Maroons, because their personal account is never told.

So, who are the Maroons? The original definition of the word maroon has been "a fugitive slave who betakes himself to the woods". Jamaica in the late 1700's had 5 maroon populations. Periods of peace were interspersed with Maroon Wars, with the final war waged in 1795. Only a portion of the Jamaican Maroons were forced to leave Jamaica after their defeat, contrary to the terms of the signed peace treaty. In June 1796, 568 people set sail for Halifax, Nova Scotia.

Immediately upon landing in Halifax, the men were sent to work on the Fort at Citadel hill. This was called the Maroon Bastion until it was demolished 35 years later. The following year, the Maroon community was moved to Preston outside of Halifax, to become farmers. The community did not have great success in their time in Nova Scotia and it was decided to send them to Sierra Leone which occurred in August 1800.

This is just a small chapter in the history of the Nova Scotia black community. There doesn't appear to be any lasting legacy from their 4 years in Nova Scotia, but I now know who the Maroons are

Black history month

My mom is the queen of yard sales and thrift stores and don't forget those library sales. She just loves finding a good book and passing it on. We have received so many gems from her over the years. We just have to ask for a certain type of book and lo and behold, she finds it.

One category I'm asking her to scout out now are picture books with black children. She has already found some great books and she's still on the lookout. I just came across another great resource. The Brown Bookshelf is a website dedicated to shining the light on authors and illustrators of color writing for children. During the month of February they are featuring a different author or illustrator every day. I've enjoyed reading the interviews posted each day.

In particular I love the illustrations of Nicole Tadgell from February 3. I remember when Kaylin and I were going through Five in a Row when I was homeschooling her. It helped us learn about different styles and we both discovered what we liked and the emotion and power behind the art. I love the softness of watercolor and Kaylin loves the quirkiness of an illustrator like G. Brian Karas who did Truman's Aunt Farm.

I've requested No Mush Today from our library and look forward to many more gems this month.

Three Little Words: A Memoir

I stumbled across Three Little Words: A Memoir
by Ashley Rhodes-Courter as I was perusing the adoption section in the library.  Initially when I started reading this young adult memoir, I questioned my sanity.  Why plunge myself into another dark, sad story?  But this young lady has written a gem.  Not only is her writing style compelling, but her thoughts and memories are clear and articulately conveyed.

Ashley's mother is an unwed teenager with a troubled family life of her own.  She and her baby brother are removed from their mother when they come to the attention of the police after a minor car infraction.  They are then caught in the cruel, uncaring, illogical foster system.  For 9 years she is repeatedly stuck in abusive homes, constantly rejected, and often ignored by the system that is supposed to protect her.

When Ashley details the many ways the legal and family system let her and her brother down, I just wanted to beat my head against a wall.  Unspeakable horrors.  Her story is a must read for anybody interested in social work.  Ironically, the 2 woman that make the most difference in her life are not paid on her behalf by the system.  They just volunteer to make a difference for her.

The part of the book that spoke loudest to me was when Ashley let us in on her own thoughts and feelings throughout her journey... especially when she shares her new life with her adoptive parents.  She has faced so much pain and rejection that by the age of 12, she distrusts everybody and everything.  She's seen disrupted adoptions and knows that even a forever family is not forever.  She hates her new mom's food and takes pleasure in upsetting her mom and pushing her buttons.  She wants to win the battles even if it means she goes to bed hungry.  She loves to drive a wedge between her new mom and dad; always waiting to be sent back to the children's home.

There were a few passages that just hit hard.

After Phil left the room, Gay stroked my hair.  "It's ok not to love us."  I kept my face buried in my pillow, yet my ears were on full alert.  "And I'm not going to say that I love you, because I haven't known you long enough to feel that way.  I like you very much and I want you to be my daughter forever, but love is something that grows with shared experiences.  I feel the buds of love growing, but it hasn't blossomed yet."

I could not believe she was being so honest.  She took a long breath.  "There is nothing we can say to make you believe that we'll be here for you.  You'll only learn it by living with us year after year."  She smoothed my hair again and stood up.  The bedsprings creaked.  I turned enough to see her hovering over me, and for the first time, I saw her as more of a protector than a stranger.  "Ashley, one of these days I will tell you that I love you.  When you hear those three words from my lips, you will know they come from my heart.  Sweet dreams, sweetie," she said, and stepped out in the hall.  (p. 193-194)

As the adoption made me feel more secure, the tautness in my stomach relaxed, and I found that I was interested in new foods.  I realized that I could find something I liked at almost any restaurant, whereas before I had often left hungry.  (p. 224)

Broken promises crippled me for many years.  As the Courters kept their pledges to me, my faith in others expanded.  Day after day, they were there for me; until one day, I not only felt safe, I did not want to leave.  Maybe that is one definition of love.  (p. 289)

I could keep going with the excerpts because there are many powerful moments.  This is an excellent book and would be helpful for older siblings in families who are adopting or have adopted.  Ashley has overcome more in her young life than most of us can imagine and her insight would be helpful for all family members.  This is a story of courage and hope and I highly recommend it.

Restavec

I have long wanted to read the autobiography of Jean-Robert Cadet, Restavec: From Haitian Slave Child to Middle-Class American
 I finally got the chance and what an emotional journey.  My senses are still reeling and I've had a few days now to process it.

Jean-Robert or Bobby, as he was called, lived his entire childhood as a restavec.  According to his own definition, " a slave child".  He states that restavecs are treated worse than slaves because they don't cost anything and their supply seems inexhaustible.  Poor families in far away villages think this is a way for their children to have a better life.  Often education is promised but rarely delivered.

Jean-Robert had a wealthy father and a poor mother who worked in one of his factories.  After his mother's death he was left with his father's current lover to raise.  A baby.  Defenseless.  Treated worse than a slave.  

His story is one of cruelty, hatred, and fear.  Hated by those around him.  Cruelly forced to work at an early age.  Sporadic schooling.  Never allowed to interact with the people around him.  And always wondering if he would be beaten to death like others he knew or taken to the police for some infraction.    

After each horrific episode of his life is recounted, I just felt despair for all the Haitian children caught up in this life, and loathing for the Haitians that accept this as perfectly acceptable.  But I soon realized that the North American way is not a rosebed either.  We have our own prejudices and faults which Cadet faces when he follows his "family" to the US.

Here he finishes high school and finally separates himself from his restavec status.  But the damage is done.  He is physically and emotionally scarred.  With perseverence against incredible odds, he finishes high school, joins the army, becomes a ranger, finishes several college degrees, and gets married.  Ah, life should be perfect, but along the way, he is rejected by white and black peers, paid less than white peers, unable to maintain healthy friendships, and consumed with rage.

Jean-Robert Cadet's accomplishments are remarkable.  However, I think his ability to face each day, to just put one foot in front of the other, is the most remarkable accomplishment of all.
 

The Mistress's Daughter

I love summer for so many reasons, but one thing I love is my ability to read more than usual.  I don't have any grand reading plan but I am continually drawn towards adoption stories.  Yesterday was no exception.  Writer A.M. Homes was adopted an an infant and at the age of 31 was contacted by her birth mother.  The Mistress's Daughter
chronicles the relationship or lack of relationship she has with her birth parents.

This memoir pulled me in and I easily finished the book in an evening.  However, it left me with many unanswered questions and many uneasy feelings.  In a way,  I think that may have been her goal.  Her entire life was full of unanswered questions.  Even when her biological parents became known to her, those unanswered questions just became multiplied, not satisfied.  It is with pain and unease that she realizes her biological mother has never been able to overcome the relinquishment of her baby girl nor the betrayal of the much older man that she was involved with for 7 years.  Her mother stalks her and demands more of her than she is able to give.  Her mother is not a stable person.  Could this be her destiny?

Her biological father strings her along for 2 years, much like he strung her mother along, meeting her in out of the way places and never including her in family events.  Then he discards her and eventually refuses an innocuous request of hers.  

Homes is a fiction writer by trade and that is one aspect of this book that I didn't care for.  She spends a lot of time using her imagination to create detailed fantasies.  Again, maybe that was intentional to show how much of her life was fantasy.  She just didn't know.  So she created.  Her entire life she compared her adoptive families to other families and they just never measured up.  In a way, that's typical of many people.  The old saying, "The grass is greener on the other side of the fence," calls out to many of us at different points in our life.  However, I think the pain an adoptee feels at not knowing "who he is" must be deep and fierce.  

Homes closes with, "Did I choose to be found?  No.  Do I regret it?  No.  I couldn't not know."  

And that is probably the strongest message I'll take from this book.  My adoptive kids need to know "who they are".  I hope to show them their strong identity in Christ.  Being a child of the King is powerful.  But I cannot discount their biological identity.  I will do all I can to help them remember and stay connected to their biological family.  They deserve to know.

Mountains Beyond Mountains

Anthropologist, doctor, infectious disease specialist, professor, husband, father, co-founder of health project.... and the list goes on. Mountains Beyond Mountains: Healing the World: The Quest of Dr. Paul Farmer
, by Tracy Kidder tells the incredible story of a single man and how his passion transforms the world.

I've been bothered lately by the force of pragmatism in the world. Nobody seems to have ideals which withstand the ravages of life. Not only does Dr. Paul Farmer have high ideals and expectations, he lives them even in the face of extreme adversity.

He visits Haiti as a young man trying to decide the direction his education will take. Does he follow his passion of anthropology or his passion for medicine. He decides that he can't separate the disciplines and his love for all things Haitian is entwined in the mix.

Kidder spends quite a bit of time with Farmer as he goes back and forth between Haiti, the US and eventually other health projects around the world. He obviously spends a considerable amount of time talking with him and Kidder leaves us with the impression that he comes to know and respect Farmer immensely. Unfortunately, as a reader, I still don't think I come close to knowing the intricacies of such a complex person. However, I admire him and his devotion to his passions.

Paul Farmer is dedicated to providing medical service and resources to the poor. During a discussion on political correctness he and some friends discuss the importance of appearance.

The goofiness of radicals thinking they have to dress in Guatemalan peasant clothes. The poor don't want you to look like them. They want you to dress in a suit and go get them food and water.

Because of his ability to see the large picture and his success with major health projects, he is pressured to give up his Haitian practice and concentrate on the big issues of world health. However, he says that he hears the voice of a Haitian saying, "My child is dying." He seems to need both outlets, big health projects and rural Haitian clinic.

I don't agree with all of Dr. Paul Farmer's philosophies, but I found myself challenged by his life choices. I admire his refusal to see "common sense" when dealing with poor Haitians. He believes that they deserve the best he and the world can give. He doesn't need to be practical in parceling out resources, he just has to save lives. One man has changed the world.

Comeback

My reading choices of late have been somewhat similar. I'm reading about Haiti, adoption, or family relationships. This one falls in the relationship category. Comeback: A Mother and Daughter's Journey Through Hell and Back
by Claire & Mia Fontaine is painful and excruciatingly honest. I don't know how a mother and daughter could so graphically share and communicate their journey, but they did.

So often when I read a long and painful narrative, it feels as though important details have been left out. This story flows seamlessly from the first attempt by Mia to run away from home, to the final yet tentative reunion, and manages to include background information tying everything together.

Even after reading their story and knowing the trauma of abuse, I still can't understand such intense pain that creates this need and desire in Mia to leave the ones she loves the most and destroy herself in the process. I've always been from the camp that love can solve a multitude of problems. Good therapy is the answer. It sounds like Mia had good therapy and intense love and it wasn't enough.

This especially weighs on my mind as we look to the addition of Peterson and Gaëlle. There will be pain in their background that love and good therapy may not be able to conquer. My prayer is that the ultimate healer will hold them in His hands and cover their wounds with His unfailing love and mercy. I also pray that I will have the strength and the wisdom of Claire to fight for my children to the ends of the earth.

Avengers of the New World

Avengers of the New World: The Story of the Haitian Revolution
by Laurent Dubois chronicles the remarkable history of the first and only successful slave revolution in the Americas. Because the people, places, and events are not familiar to me, I had to slowly read and try to absorb all of the foreign information. I was also constantly turning back to try and figure out references that didn't make sense to me. However, my effort was well rewarded. I have a little understanding of the rich history of Haiti.

Dubois carefully sets the stage for the success of the Haitian Revolution and perhaps why it was never duplicated. First, was the importance of a few French plantation owners passing on property to their mulatto children which ensured that there were wealthy and educated free people of color. Men like Julien Raimond worked tirelessly to expand rights for free people of color, even though he didn't fight to extend the rights to all people of color.

The effect of the French Revolution, playing out during this time, which stressed " Libertie, Equalitie, Fraternitie" also must be factored into account. There were men in positions of power who believed these ideals applied to not just the French but the slaves in far away Saint-Dominigue, current day Haiti. Their voices must have encouraged those embroiled in the fight.

During its struggles with Spain for control of this valuable island, France allowed slaves and free men of color to fight on its side. This provided the slave insurrectionists with valuable military and leadership experience. Many of these well trained men would then turn around and fight against the French people.

Another factor which can not be minimized is the climate of Haiti. From the time of Christopher Columbus to the present, the crushing heat and disease devastated scores of people of European origin while the people from Africa seemed to thrive in the climate.

The struggle for independence involved so many other important factors and timing that just could not be repeated. In addition to the deep resolve of the Haitian blacks and the arrogant miscalculation of Napoleon Bonaparte, the pragmatism of the insurrectionist leaders guided the revolution from its 1791 slave revolts to its successful conclusion in 1803. Toussaint Louverture, Henri Christophe, and the first president of Haiti, Jean-Jacques Dessalines achieved liberty for the black people of Haiti. By creating a society in which all people were granted freedom and citizenship, the Haitian Revolution forever changed the world.

Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria?

"Why Are All The Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria?": A Psychologist Explains the Development of Racial Identity
by Beverly Daniel Tatum strives to encourage dialogue about racism. It certainly succeeded with me. I found myself quoting from the book and discussing with my husband many of the ideas that left me confused, intrigued, or saddened.

Beverly Daniel Tatum starts out with her definition of racism. She believes that racism is a "system of advantage based on race" and racism is "more than individual beliefs and attitudes". This puts her in direct conflict with many others who include the presence of prejudice in their definition. Her point of view was valuable to me because it helped me see the power of white privilege and the role of white privilege in our world.

I found her section on black identity helpful. She included several stories of young children expressing their opinions on color. Her own child was asked by a playmate if he was brown because he drank chocolate milk. While this story caused me to smile, it also illustrated the natural curiosity of children and the awareness of differences; the need to catalog those differences. Discussion should not be stifled. Difference is not bad. It just is. Kids should feel free to observe and share.

The author is a professor and has taught classes on racism. She frequently shares stories from those classes and her broad experience shows in her writing. I'm not ready to embrace her stand on affirmative action and I question some of her conclusions. However, I would recommend this book to all. Not just those who have an interest in racial injustice. We all need to understand the impact racism has on our culture and be willing to learn from each other.

Mixed : My Life in Black and White by Angela Nissel

Reviews of Mixed: My Life in Black and White by Angela Nissel all contain the word "hilarious". I have to agree. I often find myself smiling or chuckling softly when I read, but I cannot remember a single instance that I stopped reading because I was laughing out loud . This book had me laughing several times.

Angela Nissel grew up in Philadelphia always searching for her place and her identity as the daughter of a black woman and white man. Her life moves from white private schools to inner city black public schools. She freely shares her observations of black life versus white life. She doesn't hold back as she relates the tragedy of her young life. The abandonment of her father, the constant barrage of racial insults from white and black kids alike, her bout with depression, and her constant insecurity could easily drag a person down. Because of her honesty and authenticity and incredible wit, Angela infuses her story with charm and wisdom. The tears are mixed with laughter.

Soon our family will be transracial and we will experience some of the staring and bigotry Angela has. Her mother did everything she could to empower her daughter and to fill her with confidence. Sometimes love just isn't enough. Our children still drift about trying to find their place in the world. Mixed sends a powerful message to all of us about the importance of communicating and being real about the injustices of this world, particularly the injustices of color. We need to help our children answer the question, "Where do I fit in?" For biracial children and children in transracial families, there may not be an easy answer.